USB Vacuum Cleaner

Scanning the electronics section of the back wall in my local poundland, my friend and I came across some USB vacuum cleaners. I remember my friend pointing them and another item out to me to review. I chose to review this one. There were several colours of vacuum cleaner, green being one of them. I'm still not sure why so many products in poundland come in different colours, but it does seem to be products you only find in poundland.

Upon switching it on, I was having great fun laughing at the sheer uselessness of it, yet also admiring it in a strange way. It's doing exactly what I thought it would do and yet that never stopped me from buying it. That look of admiration and enjoyment was soon swept from my face when I started coughing and spluttering, once I realised the fan was blowing out the dead skin it collected at me. Cautiously handling it further, I came to the conclusion that it did 2 things - suck and blow. And it did neither very well. The only way I could tell there was any suction was by wetting my finger and feeling the temperature of my finger change as I positioned it right inside the bastard. Even then, I only felt a slight breeze blowing in MY direction and no matter what setting it was on, I could feel absolutely no suction whatsoever.

It has 3 settings on it; off, light, and "light and power". It also comes with a power up button, in case you wanted to clean something more than it seemed to think you should be, but other colours/versions of the USB vacuum cleaner come with bananas or smokescreens. Along with these features, it gives you the option of changing the rubber tube into something that resembles a trio of factory stacks. I have no idea what reason there is for this because nothing different is going to happen. The sound the vacuum cleaner makes when the rubber tube or factory stacks are attached to it can only be described as "urgent" and "in need of help". At least some of the different coloured USB Vacuum Cleaners come with smokescreens, which would go quite well with factory stacks. There is a brush attached to the stacks actually. This acts as a brush. The torch is a great addition. My pet ant colony are using it to help the less well coordinated ants find the bathroom when it's dark. The only reason I can think of that there is a "light and power" option is that it CAN have light and power at the same time. It's called showing off. These are its 2 strengths and abilities. Think about your own strengths, for example. If you are a session guitarist, then you would probably put "playing guitar" forward as an ability. You may also make a well good chilli con carne, however that doesn't mean you should record guitar tracks for artists while also making chilli con carne. That would just be considered showing off. In fact you could probably piss quite a few people off doing that and many would say you aren't fully focusing on playing guitar. UNLESS of course you really do make the greatest chilli con carne on earth and offer your band mates some. Unfortunately however, that is not the case with this USB vacuum cleaner as the light is shite.

The factory stacks blending in to the mountainous landscape

As my duty is to bring you my opinions on poundland products, I feel it's also important to bring you other peoples' opinions, just in case you were worried about any bias in the reviews. So from now on, I will do my best to ask around and get as many responses as I can about the products.

"Using this product sort of reminds me of the time I did an archaeological dig near a really boring industrial estate. It's also quite like the time during that trip when we had to cut the grass with a pair of scissors in case we set off any of the landmines we were digging for." - Anonymous poundland shopper