Signalex Mini Earphones

Sound familiar? I started this blog by reviewing a pair of Signalex inner-ear earphones and now I'm reviewing a pair of outer-ear ones. It's worth bearing in mind that I have never owned any outer-ear earphones that I have enjoyed, or that actually stay in my ear.

Packaging

Ok... So I'll start with the packaging. Underneath "Mini Earphones" written on the front of the packaging are the, I must say, fairly unbelievable words, "Fantastic Sound Quality". Pretty much the last thing I expected with this product before buying it was a fantastic sound quality. A phrase which makes me think unrivalled, groundbreaking and futuristic but for the fact they're being sold for a pound. Maybe my understanding of the word "fantastic" is a little off. I don't know. It's always possible though isn't it? I suppose I wouldn't be reviewing it if it wasn't absolutely impossible. Luckily, the description on the back of the packet is more in keeping with what I have seen on most of the items in Poundland. I figure this is how they came up with the description:

"Ok guys, thanks for coming today. Basically this is a focus group and we need you to think positive. We want your HONEST opinion about these earphones...and only mention the good things...just don't make shit up. We need some descriptions for the back of our packet."

After a fairly unsuccessful focus group consisting of  it-doesn't-fucking-matter-how-many people, the Signalex board (?) were able to come up with these 4 points:

• "Compatible with all MP3 players"

Thank fuck basically. I hate buying things only to find out problems that had never existed before ended up being a massive problem.

• "Cable length: 1.2 metres (approx)"

I was already confused as to what "Mini Earphones" actually were. Now that they seem to be promoting them as not mini, I am doubly confused. Also, I really don't care what length the cable is as long as I can stand up without the earphones being torn from my ear and to be perfectly honest, the longer, the shittier. Apparently they didn't care either since they don't actually know what fucking length the cable is.

• "Compact and lightweight - easy to take anywhere"

Who exactly is going to read this and think "Yes, these are the earphones for me!" That's like marketing a cymbal as "not easily shattered when hit with drumsticks" and expecting people to be impressed.

• "Listen to your favourite music in clarity"

At least they are being truthful here... if by clarity they mean complete and utter fucking silence. Trust me. I've started listening to stuff and I'm about to tell you that they are pretty bad.

Sound

These earphones are pretty bad. At top volume in my ipod, walking in a fairly quiet field, I can barely hear what I'm listening to and that is no exaggeration at all. I guess I will try and describe the sound to you however. It reminds me of the last pair of Signalex earphones, except that they were a bit more comfortable. And louder too. "Piercing" if I remember correctly. Everything still sounds repressed. My ears are telling me it is too loud, even though it isn't and there is something inconsistent about the sound. On the back of the packet, it tells us to "avoid listening to your earphones at loud volumes as this can damage your hearing", so at least they have taken safety into their own hands by actually taking away the option of volume. I don't have to worry about avoiding it. The drum sound is particularly affected especially with heavier and bassier music and it seems to blend in with the bass a bit, but I'll let Signalex off with that one because I was walking at the time and that's obviously going to affect the earphones.

It has to be said that listening to music on my computer is an improvement, because of volume and the fact that the sound of your own footsteps don't overpower the sound of what you're listening to. They also don't fall out of your ears quite as much. When it says "Listen to your favourite music in clarity", I'm beginning to think they were trying to explain that you need to be in a silent area with nothing going on to hear anything. The earphones don't create the clarity; it is more that an otherwise sense of clarity is needed before giving them a try. After listening to my music in clarity, I can kind of understand that these earphones are better or clearer (clarity) than some others you can buy but it certainly doesn't warrant "fantastic sound quality" written on the front of the packet. You should be able to make out what you are listening to no problem though. Unless of course you own an ipod shuffle, because it doesn't have a screen. Haha, you're fucked.

Comfort

I have always had problems using outer-ear earphones, or earphones without inner buds. I did use ipod earphones in the past, but I had to to stop using them due to the amount of blisters and sore lumps I was getting from constantly having to put them back in my ear everytime they fell out. Understandably, I had to approach these earphones with caution and was perhaps already naturally biased about the whole thing. But, none of this matters, because they are genuinely uncomfortable. Unlike their inner-ear counterparts however, they don't CLAIM to possess "ultimate comfort", so I'm not so taken aback by their discomfort this time.

Other points?

I have never heard the term "Mini" earphones before and I'm not sure what it means. I looked the term up but found nothing. It could definitely be a very immediate irritation not knowing what you're paying your pound for before you buy it. You can think about what it might mean for a while, but if it means anything other than "oh, the cable's a bit shorter" or "do they really have earphones for smaller ears now?" then Signalex should really consider changing the name. On top of that, they should probably change "Fantastic Sound Quality" to something a bit less ridiculous.

Overall?

When you consider the poor sound quality and the particularly unimpressive range of volume then there's probably very little good you can say about the earphones. They aren't particularly comfortable and I don't care about their appearance. They are cheap though, and not the worst pair I've ever had, however if I was comparing them to the previous pair of Signalex earphones with inner earbuds, then I would probably choose the latter. It would depend on what earphone fitting you prefer as there is little difference in sound quality, especially when we are talking about such low quality. If they stock the other earphones, they are not worth the pound. If they don't, then I would say buy them if it is an *emergency. If it's a warm day, save your pound for a Feast ice cream. If it's not a warm day and it's not an emergency, don't buy them and save your pound.

*emergency - you have a long bus journey ahead and your pair of sennheisers suddenly stop working. You have 5 minutes until the bus arrives. The bus will be full of cunts.

Travel Solutions "Travel Fan With Torch"

Are you feeling too hot as you wander though town or perhaps you're just sitting in your room wishing your room wasn't the roofspace? At some point you will probably think of getting a fan. And I wouldn't argue with you if you took a trip to your local poundland to do so.

Packaging

Like most things in Poundland, the packaging prefers not to mention that it isn't good for what it's designed for and instead tries to convince you to buy it for some other shitty reason. In this case, the fan is small, lightweight and it is "space saving in any bag or suitcase". No mention about how many miles per hour the air is blasted in your face. No mention of how stunningly bright the torch is. Instead, we're told that it saves space in a suitcase, which not putting a fan in your suitcase would achieve as well.

Fan

Before I can use the fan, I have to peel myself off my chair and make myself sweat trying to find batteries. It requires 2 AA batteries. The fan is decent and it does blow air in your face quite well. On the other hand, it is far from quiet, making a noise similar to a blender, however if you want your neighbours to think you are busy working in the garden on a nice hot day, then simply place your finger in the fan now and again and it can be likened to the sound of a chainsaw.

Torch

The torch is a decent size and it shines brightly enough for you to wander slowly in the dark, making sure to point it just ahead of your feet. There is no setting to have the torch on at the same time as the fan, but I suppose that isn't a huge problem.

Other features?

Not using kodak batteries for a pound!!!

There is a rather large cord attached to the base of the fan. I suppose this could be used to hang it up or tie it to something, but it is 3.5 times the size of the fan, which just seems rather excessive.

Overall

It's a decent fan, so long as you don't need it to be quiet. If you need it to be quiet, I would recommend taking the batteries out and accidentally trapping one of your hairs just behind it in a gap between the foam blades and the motor, where a thin pole connects the two. If you pull the hair out slowly, the same motion happens. Connect another hair to the hair, looping it round the pole. This way, you can pull each hair back and forwards to move the blades until your arms get sore.

The only other issue I have is the proximity of the on/off switch to the fan, but that is as much a problem with my enormous fingers as it is with the fan.

Signalex Disc Cleaning Kit (Discs Not Included)

Today, I have decided to review a "Disc Cleaning Kit" for you. I'm fairly sure I have seen it before in Poundland, however it only occured to me on a recent trip that I actually had a reason to buy it other than to write a review. I do have a couple of cds at home that are in need of a bit of special treatment and I decided I may as well give this a try.



The packaging itself is quite typical of what I have found with quite a few products in Poundland; smiley, upbeat, lively. Basically everything that the product inside isn't. I want to talk about the packaging for a while first though. Beside a picture of a smiling woman holding a disc up, is a piece of text stating "Bring damaged discs back to life!", which suggests I can fix my CD even though it’s pretty fucked.  Not dead, but damaged to the point where it's in need of life. Right below that piece of text is the next, and far from last, slightly smaller sized piece of text; "Cleans surface scatches from discs", which would still indicate that there’s a chance I will be able to heal my CD, however now we know its limitations.    The next piece of text has a considerably smaller font size but its words are just as strong; "May prevent audio discs from skipping". I might still be able to fix my audio CD but it seems doubtful to me now. Oh well. "Hand-powered carousel cleans & polishes without the need for batteries"- My CD won’t be fixed. It doesn't have any means of utilising batteries so of course it doesn't need batteries to "maybe repair" my CD. Now, before we move on to the back of the packaging, there is another final piece of text at the bottom of the box beside a picture of 3 discs, even smaller in size. Regardless of its size, it still puts out quite a strong statement and it resonates with me quite well: "Discs not included".

The mechanisms in full view

I flip the packaging over to read what it says on the back. I am relieved to find out that the "kit includes cleaning fluid & carousel" because for a moment I was worried there would be nothing in the box. Below that is a 3 step guide to using the product. So. It's time to take out what is inside. There are 2 parts to it. The first piece is a disc cleaning solution which you spray over the disc. The solution contains propan-2-ol and water. Basically, it's the closest thing you are going to get to an alcoholic beverage in poundland. You then set that side facing down in the carousel (the other part of the kit) so it is making contact with the brushes inside it. The brushes look like something out of a make-up set that you dab on your face. The carousel then closes over and you are left to turn the handle round and round, rather like a salad spinner. This then turns a series of cogs that the brushes are attached to. In theory, this should be able to remove stains or surface scratches from CDs and hence prevent them from skipping.

I had a CD in mind that needed "life" installed into it, so I figured I would try the kit on it. In hindsight, I should really have realised that I was asking a lot of a spinning brush. As far as I can remember, it was the first CD I owned that I don't now consider really crap, so it was pretty old. Anyway, it failed at helping this CD. After brushing away the excess alcoholic solution that hadn't already been brushed away by the carousel, I loaded it up on the computer. The third track still doesn't load and there is still evident skipping in several songs. I did manage to get 1 minute and 30 seconds of the 3 minutes and 28 seconds that make up the third track loaded onto my computer and it doesn't start skipping until 5 seconds before it ends, however, I can only assume this was what it was like before I tried cleaning it, as I had just never bothered putting half a track on my computer.

The other CD I'm about to try is older and tracks 10 and 11 don't work. Track 9 skips. After applying the special treatment, track 9 still doesn't work. Track 10 doesn't load whatsoever, however I am all of a sudden greeted with Celine Dion starting to blast "The Power of Love" at me, indicating that track 11 has started working and only skipped for the first 5 seconds or so. The chorus has come in now just in case i had forgotten it started working..."CAUSE I'M YOUR LAAAADYYYYYYY". At this point, it seems that the disc cleaner has had some part to play in fixing Celine Dion, however it has failed to liven up D:Ream, Lightning Seeds or Dave Mustaine.

UPDATE: A week later, I let the disc cleaner run wild again. I tried it on a CD-ROM that wasn't loading up. And it didn't work.

Céline Marie Claudette Dion

I cannot see the Disc Cleaner having a high success rate. There's only so much spraying a CD with alcohol and twirling it about can do and I think that despite fixing Celine Dion, it didn't fix anything else and scratches aren't removed from the CDS. You could probably use a cloth or something. Cloths are available everywhere and you can find them in most shops.

On the reverse side of the packaging, underneath the instructions, you are reminded once again, "Discs not included".

USB Vacuum Cleaner

Scanning the electronics section of the back wall in my local poundland, my friend and I came across some USB vacuum cleaners. I remember my friend pointing them and another item out to me to review. I chose to review this one. There were several colours of vacuum cleaner, green being one of them. I'm still not sure why so many products in poundland come in different colours, but it does seem to be products you only find in poundland.

Upon switching it on, I was having great fun laughing at the sheer uselessness of it, yet also admiring it in a strange way. It's doing exactly what I thought it would do and yet that never stopped me from buying it. That look of admiration and enjoyment was soon swept from my face when I started coughing and spluttering, once I realised the fan was blowing out the dead skin it collected at me. Cautiously handling it further, I came to the conclusion that it did 2 things - suck and blow. And it did neither very well. The only way I could tell there was any suction was by wetting my finger and feeling the temperature of my finger change as I positioned it right inside the bastard. Even then, I only felt a slight breeze blowing in MY direction and no matter what setting it was on, I could feel absolutely no suction whatsoever.

It has 3 settings on it; off, light, and "light and power". It also comes with a power up button, in case you wanted to clean something more than it seemed to think you should be, but other colours/versions of the USB vacuum cleaner come with bananas or smokescreens. Along with these features, it gives you the option of changing the rubber tube into something that resembles a trio of factory stacks. I have no idea what reason there is for this because nothing different is going to happen. The sound the vacuum cleaner makes when the rubber tube or factory stacks are attached to it can only be described as "urgent" and "in need of help". At least some of the different coloured USB Vacuum Cleaners come with smokescreens, which would go quite well with factory stacks. There is a brush attached to the stacks actually. This acts as a brush. The torch is a great addition. My pet ant colony are using it to help the less well coordinated ants find the bathroom when it's dark. The only reason I can think of that there is a "light and power" option is that it CAN have light and power at the same time. It's called showing off. These are its 2 strengths and abilities. Think about your own strengths, for example. If you are a session guitarist, then you would probably put "playing guitar" forward as an ability. You may also make a well good chilli con carne, however that doesn't mean you should record guitar tracks for artists while also making chilli con carne. That would just be considered showing off. In fact you could probably piss quite a few people off doing that and many would say you aren't fully focusing on playing guitar. UNLESS of course you really do make the greatest chilli con carne on earth and offer your band mates some. Unfortunately however, that is not the case with this USB vacuum cleaner as the light is shite.

The factory stacks blending in to the mountainous landscape

As my duty is to bring you my opinions on poundland products, I feel it's also important to bring you other peoples' opinions, just in case you were worried about any bias in the reviews. So from now on, I will do my best to ask around and get as many responses as I can about the products.

"Using this product sort of reminds me of the time I did an archaeological dig near a really boring industrial estate. It's also quite like the time during that trip when we had to cut the grass with a pair of scissors in case we set off any of the landmines we were digging for." - Anonymous poundland shopper

What's this? Pasta in a cup?

Wandering aimlessly into poundland, I decided it was time to review their food. 3 sachets of Mug Shot Pasta for a pound. It has to be worth it. It was a chilly day, and what better way of warming yourself up is there than to have a cup of pasta. Of course, it isn't all fun and games yet. I still have to cook it, however easy it might be. For those of you that don't cook, don't worry, as you get a free cooking lecture on the back of the sachet. I guess I should run you through the instructions, however.

How to make it?

"Creamy cheese" - one of many souvenir cups Mug Shot make

Thankfully, the instructions were set out on the back quite clearly in a step by step format. There were only 6 simple steps. First of all, you are asked to empty the sachet into a standard size mug. Already, they seem to be admitting there isn't much in the sachet. The mixture looks like your average cuppa soup, but with pasta in it, and once opened, you get a strong cheesy whiff, not disimilar to very cheesy crisps. Secondly, you are posed the task of filling the cup 15mm from the brim with boiling water. So i get my ruler ou... haha, only kidding!!! Anyway, this is not the time for joking. There is actually a decent amount of pasta in the packet and I have no complaints about the amount you get for 33p. The third step involves you stirring thouroughly. At this stage, the mixture starts to thicken and it actually looks pretty decent. After allowing the pasta to stand for 5 minutes, as step 4 suggests, and i say "suggests" because they probably are just suggestions, i get back to stirring it again. This was step 6. I decided to leave step 5 out because it was a completely pointless step that no one buying sachets of fucking pasta would do - "Top up if a thinner sauce is required". Required for what? Your fancyfuck dinner you're making for your family? I bet you were even telling them that you made it all yourself. Judging by how it tastes, they'd probably laugh at your chef skills...

How edible is it?

It doesn't taste wonderful. What did you expect? It's edible and still worth the pound for 3 sachets, but it's a fairly boring cheese flavour and the sauce runs out after a while, leaving a lot of pasta. With my first sachet, I found that the pasta never really got soft. It was still quite crispy even when i got to the bottom of the cup. Having reached the bottom, and deciding I didn't want to go through that experience again, I decided I may as well take this opportunity to try out the 3 sachets in 3 different environments. From that, I could answer the questions "Is it more enjoyable in different environments?", "Do you learn to love the taste?" and perhaps "Does the pasta go soft on most occasions or does it not do that?"

Environment 1 - Sitting on the sofa in the living room with the tv on

I have already detailed what my experience was like with my first sachet. The television being on did little to improve the experience, but it probably did distract me from the crispy pasta and knowing I had 2 more to go at some point slightly more than it could have if the television wasn't on.

Environment 2 - Walking about I think, but I can't remember where

I'm really sorry. But what I do remember is that the pasta was soft this time, which is a good thing. I may have left it standing less than 5 minutes the first time, which could explain the crispy pasta.

Environment 3 - A passenger in a car driving over a stony beach on an island off the coast

I do remember this one. I was making bonfires during the morning on an island off the coast. After a busy morning, I felt that being more hungry may improve the experience of "Mug Shot" pasta. It was a shitty wet day and I was going back onto the mainland to load logs off somewhere. There was an electric kettle back at the workhouse and it was a good opportunity to quickly boil some water and then miss out step 4 onwards. Surprisingly, the pasta was soft, but it was still as completely uninspiring as the other 2 cups. With numerous potholes and bumpy lanes, the pasta in the cup could have easily led to a chipped tooth or boiling cheese over my face, but it cooled down fairly quickly and I managed not to smash my teeth.

Are they worth £1?

Overall, the 3 sachets are definitely worth the pound you pay people! Taste-wise, it isn't great, but that's why there are better quality, more expensive pasta dishes out there. There wouldn't be any point having nutritious, tasty pasta dishes for lots of money and then similarly nutritious, tasty pasta dishes for less money. The important thing is that it is edible, and edible without any particularly nasty, lasting tastes. The pasta looks like pasta and the "cheese" flavour is pretty cheesy. How much you enjoy your cup probably does depend on which environment you are in, but the same goes for most things. And finally, what I can now say after 3 sachets, is that the pasta does go soft on most occasions. What more could you want from pasta in a mug, eh?

Any suggestions?

Just an update to remind you that I am more than willing to review products that you suggest. I know you all find this blog helpful, so i figure this is just adding to the usefulness of it to you, the viewers. Looking forward to hearing your responses! 

Coming up soon: Do the egg timers eggcel or are they an uninspiring yolk?

Oh...and just another reminder that I will be reviewing one of their Christmas albums soon. Check back within the next couple of days!